Some New Olympic Events:

I’ve invented a few new Olympic events:

100 meter dash pole vault: Set the bar to a comfortable height for world class vaulters. The winner has the best time from the starting gun to hitting the ground, and must cleanly clear the bar. A few hurdles might be added as well.

The vault and dive: Place the pommel horse on the high-diving platform. The athlete vaults onto the pommel horse and then goes into a high dive. A nice combination of skills.

The biathlon dive: (Scheduled for the last day of the Olympics.) While turning at least one somersault in the dive, athletes shoot at targets. Live spectators are not permitted (but see below).

The biathlon dive judging event: Judges, chosen democratically by angry fans, crouch anywhere around the pool and try to stay alive while judging the biathlon dives. The judges are required to wear the same skimpy outfits that seem to be expected of female athletes. Whoever subsequently leaves the hospital first wins.

When you want the very best…

I plan to continue blogging regularly on November 1, but meanwhile let me tell you something about the radio station. We moved into a new building this summer, before the building was, well, built. For awhile, to get into the station I had to ignore a red sign saying “This building is condemned ... structurally unsafe ... do not yada ... . One consequence was that no one cleaned the bathrooms and in fact we had to bring our own toilet paper to the station. But the university is rushing to get ready for its fall students. Today THERE WAS TOILET PAPER!

Then reality set in.

My TP is much, much nicer than theirs. Sigh…